Saturday, November 11, 2006

November the 11th

In the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of the eleventh month do we honour those that have gone before and laid down their lives for our freedom. I have always felt a particular pride on Remembrance Day since I was a child, and we would go from the school to the cenotaph just south of my parent’s house. These were our forebears. I remember looking to the faces of the veterans and thinking, these were the people who went and fought for us so many years ago. These people that on any other day I might see at the local grocery store, or taking their dog for a walk, or playing with their grandchildren. I always felt a deep connection and unbridgeable separation from these people who had gone to defend an ideal that was Canada. From this stock have we sprung. From these fearless hearts and steadfast souls have we taken council.

I was standing in the main cafeteria aboard Her Majesty's Canadian Ship Regina watching with a group of my fellow soldiers, in silence, the ceremony on television at 0811 hours Live from Ottawa. I was scanning the faces in the crowd hoping to see my beloved, but taking comfort in the knowledge that since I left her over a month ago I was again seeing the same sky as she. As always the sound of the pipers brought up in me a chill and a sense of kinship with these people who had sacrificed all to save that in which they believed.

The children's choir sung a haunting version of "In Flanders’s Fields", a song not of peace, but of constant struggle against oppression. The idea that evil men should be fought, whatever the cost. A promise we have made to the fallen, with the first free breath we drew, that we are obliged to honour. As the final refrain sounded the whispered promise escaped my lips as ever it did since I was a child, "I swear it."

At 1100 on the Flight Deck of HMCS Regina, we stood in black naval combat dress. Standing at ease with the waves crashing around us off the coast of San Diego, we paid our respects to those who had given their lives for us, our brothers in arms. The Boatswain's shrill call piped the Still, a long, high and sustained note that called us all to attention with ingrained snap of drill. The moment of Silence rang out with deafening loudness at 1111 hours.

Somber eyes stared out from heads proudly held. The tightening of mouths and the clenching of jaws could be seen throughout the rank and file, as each dealt with what this day meant to them. Standing there with the warm southern Californian wind blowing against us, I was reminded of another Remembrance Day...

The sky had been overcast, and freezing rain drenched us off and on in St. Jean sur Richelieu. I had just joined the military the previous August, and this was the first time I was to think of myself as a soldier. We had marched on parade through the small city, each step in perfect time, as if everyone knew the importance of this day. Not even Poole botched the timing as out heels clocked out the cadence. We halted and stood in front of the veterans and civilians alike, in three companies. No one wanted to be the one to move, or draw attention. We had too much pride for that. We were Romeo 2-10 Echo, Thirteen Platoon, Wylde Cards, and we were there to honour the soldiers that had come before. For over two hours we stood in the freezing rain, while we listened to our veterans speak, prayers offered, and hopeful visions of the future shaped. Some of the other platoons had people faint an hour in, but not us. We held the line. I can still recall the stinging rain pelting my face till it was numb, as I looked up and locked eyes with one of the veterans on the dais, he nodded to me with a look of fraternity and pride on his face, and I nodded imperceptibly back, but he saw, and a grim smile thinned his lips.

Hours of training and pushing out bodies past where we thought they could be taken, our minds challenged with the conflicting ideologies of "one man, one kit" and "one team, one goal". I now understand the meaning: if it's your responsibility, look only to yourself, but if you see your brother falling, he's your responsibility too. "You are a soldier first, never forget that". Words that sometimes I still hear in my head as I watch the news and hear of another Canadian soldier killed in a suicide bombing. They are me. A friend of mine turns to me and says, "I knew him..I went to basic with him..I fucking new him..” A comforting hand is placed on his back, a tightening of the hands that lets him know that he is not alone in his mourning, and for once, there are no ribald jokes, or snide remarks. Just a feeling of fraternity.

The last post sounds and we salute. First the Officers are dismissed, then the Non Commissioned Members. We all walk solemnly to the Quarter Deck. Our Poppies taken from over our hearts. We stare out over the waters, casting them down into the churning foam that is the final resting place of so many of our brethren. When it comes my time at the railing, I watch the red flower fall through my fingers, and down into the Ocean. I see it joined by other falling flowers, like red maple leaves falling from trees in my Ontario.

I miss my home as never before. I miss the simple beauty of her trees, the sharp chill to the autumn air, the sound of the mourning doves in the morning. I miss the endless summers and the warm comfort of my parent’s woodstove in winter. I miss the myriad colours of her forests, and the quiet solitude of her lakes. The loon's call and the wolf's howl, and the sweet swelling music of the cicadas in spring. But most of all, I miss you, my love. My dear and sweet Amorina.

For I know now that it is only in your arms that I am Home.

I am a Soldier.

O.S. André 941
Daniel M.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Bon Voyage!

my e-mail at sea is Andre.DM@forces.gc.ca
for those trying to get a hold of me, you might want to add that to your address books :)
~Dan
p.s.
things are going well considering.. I miss you Fruitcup, and I'll talk to you as soon as I can.. getting a phone card this afternoon, and if that doesn't work, I'll e-mail you.. I love you sweetie
~Daniel
aka ~ Pumpkin

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

under 25ml's and they steal your toothpaste

Her hand was pulled from his, and with it went his heart. He closed his eyes as a shudder went through his chest. For one pure and irrational moment he wanted to run up the escilator after her, catch her up in his arms and crush her to him. He wanted to kiss her and kiss her and hold her and tell her how much everything had meant to him, and how much he loved her. His body surged forward. The chains of self-restraint bit deeply into him, cutting, halted him in place. A wordless cry parted his lips. His eyes reached out to her, hands strained against invisible cords. Her wilting form retreated up and away from him, pain in her eyes. He had never felt so weak.

As she reached the top of the escalator, he reached out to her, he turned his hand to his lips to still the wailing of his soul. He blew her a kiss. Her leaving was as a knife pulled from a wound. His heart's blood slowly bled from his eyes. The clenching of his trembling jaw kept his lips from twisting in despair as he turned, and placed his belongings into a cheap plastic container.. just things. Just empty things that he carried with him, meaningless.

A sharp voice drew his attention, told him he couldn't wear his belt through the metal detector. A flash of bloodthirsty rage boiled beneathe the surface, that pervasive red. The intrusion was unforgivable. Eyes closed, his throat swallowed, a soothing breath calmed him. Just trying to mask the pain with anger he thought. The realization drained the rage from him as he let the belt fall into the plastic coffin from listless hands. His fingers were numb. She was gone. It hit him like a lead pipe to the stomach. He grimaced and pulled on his jacket.

The tears slowed but wouldn't stop. Head down, eyes forward, he thought, just get the job done. Don't think about- she's gone, I'm leaving her, she's in pain, I can feel her tears on my cheek, he thought. Images seared through his mind: her arms seeking him, her lips trembling, her breath slow and shuddering, her words echoing in his heart...don't go.. said so quietly they could shatter stars.

Restless and numb, his mind shied away from thought. A nagging sense at the edge of his mind. He found his Gate, number 17. He didn't care. He should have run after her. She was probably on her way to the bus, his stomach clenched at the thought. He should have held her, told her he couldn't go. She was probably on her way back to their bed.. Did she know how much he loved her? Did he tell her enough, hold her enough, kiss her enough, cradle her to him enough? That nagging pull again. Yes, what? His mind grabbed hold of him then, that deep and secret self that seldom used to speak that could never again be silenced. It took his head firmly in it's irresistable grip and turned it sharply over and up. There she is, the voice that was not a voice said. She was not on her way out, she was watching him from the railing, tears in her eyes. It was she that was calling to him, willing him to look. It was his anger that had blinded him to the strange telepathy that they had shared on more than one occasion. Suddenly alive, he looked up at her. Her red rimmed eyes, her relieved smile that he had finally heard her wordless cry. A grin brighted his face, like the sun breaking through the clouds. She smiled back and he knew that it would be ok. That she felt it too.

A polite voice repeated that it was time to board the plane. He shook his head, and mouthed that he loved her, unmindful of his suroundings. When he looked at her, she was all he saw. The world had fallen away. He saw his heart in her eyes, and felt her heart in his breast. God, she's beautiful, he thought, touching his lips with the tips of his fingers, breathing his kiss to her. He took her kiss in his outstretched hand, and touched it to his mouth. He closed his eyes, then looked up at her one last time. His eyes brimmed with tears as he turned from her. He showed the impatient woman a piece of plastic that vouched for his identity. How strange, he thought, that we no longer trust eachother to even be who we say we are. That we have to rely on the inanimate to speak for the animate.

The throat-like tunnel that lead to the plane engulphed him as he steped into its demanse. And so, he thought, a chained Apollo is lead broken to the prison of his chariot, to ride the sun West into the past. He was seated over the wing, in a too soft chair, and looked out moodily into a pewter sky. We trade comfort for passion, he thought. Emptiness threatened to consume him as he gazed longingly out to the terminal, to where she had been standing. He whispered his goodbyes to her then, eyes closed, fingers half curled against the payne of the window. He stared out, hopelessly he hoped to catch some glimse of her as he felt the engine snarl, a malicious carrion crow that ached for flight. The force of the world tried to press him back in his seat, but he would not be moved. His gaze never wavered, never blinked. Nothing would keep this last view from him. Nothing would keep him from seeing her dispite the distance and the darkness. He knew she could feel his eyes on her as he was hurled into the sky like some great and screaming meteor. He gazed untill the clouds shrouded his eyes, and stole all sight from him. Blinded, he finally closed his eyes. And as he streaked across the sky toward an empty land, he curled into himself and wept.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Fevered Dreams

a touch
of your skin
pressing
into you
a sigh
that can be felt
the shudder
of you under my hand
eyes closing
to see more clearly
your hand
laced with mine
so close
I can taste your breath
hush
I can hear your heart
my love
your beauty wounds me
your lips
parted and expectant
aching
my arms encircle you
to feel
your secret heat
my mouth
stealing your breath
desires
coursing through like poison
your hips
pressing against
my blood is
a maelstrom
your wine
like lips against mine
taste
surrender and mastery
immortal
in titanic struggle
your eyes
like frozen fire, gold within blue
my hands
worshiping your every part
moving
our bodies entwine
we dance
slowly to ancient rhythem
I am
drunk on the wine of your lips
yours
is the body that I crave
you are
a dream that haunts me
mine
is the love you seek

Monday, September 04, 2006

I apologize to the Masses.. or the two people that read this..

Well as some smart alecy girl has commented, yes I have been remiss in my blogging of late.. There are a few reasons for this.. I haven't been sleeping much, tension has been mounting between my roommates and myself...
and then this smart alecy girl that I can't get my mind off of...
I'm more than a little bit undone, I'll admit it..
I've never found someone that I've considered my equal, my worthy adversary, my arch rival... Call it hubris, call it arrogance, call it elitism...But I never really thought that I would ever encounter someone that is as I am...And now, it would seem that I have...
it's a startling thing to have your mind opened and your tongue tied both at once..
I can see so many things when I close my eyes, and when I bend to type.. Nothing... Like seeing heaven, and having no frame of reference to relate the miraculous.. It's just about one thousand times more frustrating then knowing what you want to draw and being powerless to summon it up from page and pencil.. So please be lenient in these next few attempts, as they will undoubtedly be like the first shaking steps of a new born...
for that is how I feel... Like my old self has burned away.. Things I thought long lost are once again within me..
I feel like a little kid staring in wonder at the world..
I feel new
I feel awake
I feel alive

Monday, August 28, 2006

Well I AM Eros after all...

Your Love Style is Eros
For you, love is all about the passion!And chances are, you're currently in love.You have a strong physical response to love...And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Plan

...All right, gather 'round... Now here's the plan..
Bill? Yes, you, Hi...uh I think you're in the wrong blog..
No, no it's ok..shit happens...yes you can take the cake..
Ok, not all of the cake now Bill... sheesh

*ahem* As I was saying, the plan..

Ok, eventual goals:

1 ) new Samsung phone that looks suspiciously like the Motorola "Razor" to replace said razor due to loss... or possible theft
2) Find out what the Eff is with my shoulder as I could barely get a shirt on today
3) Start blogging on a consistent basis
4) Start drawing again, getting back up to Sheridan acceptance levels..Specifically improving on clothing and animals...and basically everything that isn't people
5) Find partner so I can start taking Salsa lessons
6) Find out about Hun Fut kung fu club to learn southern style to compliment northern style already practiced
7) Start reading contemporary literature...(grr)
8) Improve math skills (theoretical stronger than practical balance this out)
9) Use reading as a "head feeding" exercise as opposed to just plain old escapist tendencies
10) Get body fat percentage between 3-8%
11) Stop making up ridiculous excuses when asked out
12) Take the loss and just buy my own damn computer
13) Spend more time practicing my French
14) Research substantive divorce Law in B.C. pour mon friar (checks 13)
15) Look up course schedules for local uni/college for English and architecture courses
16) Stop making people more important to me than I am to them
17) Stop making up superfluous lists ;)
18) Stop scamming phrases like "head feeding" hoping to rile someone up ;)

Starting to blog again.. I think...maybe?

Decided I need to start copying some of the thoughts and conversations I've been having.. the problem is that I find I tend to monolog, think about what I'd like to say.. all the way through, get a sense of closure, and not end up posting it *winces* not the greatest trait in a writer.. even a hackish one..

So, hopefully from here on in, there will be more consistant postings.. though I'm fairly sure no-one actually reads these..